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Every parent knows that when a child experiences an emotion, he or she experiences it "with all his or her heart". He/she cries hot tears because of a torn yoghurt lid at the opening, hits his/her little brother who touched his/her car, shouts for joy because he/she has found his/her socks and runs in your arms trembling with fear at the sight of the neighbour's little dog. This is normal, and adults have an important role to play in helping children grow up to understand and tame their emotions.

Brain development in children aged 2 to 6 years

We now know, thanks to neuroscience, that children's brains are much less mature than adults', and not yet functional enough to manage emotions. This is why children experience real emotional storms, which they do not have the ability to calm on their own. They cannot take a step back from their emotions and need the adult when they are going through strong emotions.

How to support your child's emotions?

When a child or an adult is affected by an emotion, it happens in three stages:

• The charge: when it goes up inside, and you feel the body sensations linked to the emotion (dry throat, heart beating quickly...).

• Tension: we use the energy of emotion in an action, a word, a behaviour.

• The discharge: the moment when we cry, shout, tremble, breathe... This is the stage that allows the return to calm.

Knowing these three times allows us to better support them. Let us keep in mind that there are no good or bad emotions, but pleasant and unpleasant emotions, all of which are part of life. Teaching your child to welcome and manage his or her emotions is therefore essential, as he or she will encounter them for the rest of his or her life.

In concrete terms, how to do this?

Welcoming non-verbally through the gaze.

Your child needs to see in your eyes that you are there with him. Respect children's emotions without entering into a power game, without judging, without commenting: "I see you're angry", "Oh, you're sad", "You don't want to at all."

Listen before you comfort.

Once you have put words on your child's emotions, let him or her talk to you about what is happening. Welcome his explanation without interrupting him. If he doesn't speak, you can invite him to do it: "I see that you are in pain", "You hesitate. What do you feel?".

Validate the experience.

"You have the right not to want to, it's true, you'd rather keep playing, I can understand that."

Allow emotion to go as far as its resolution.

When we are faced with a child's cries, with his or her cries, the child experiences an emotion. It must be able to come out of the body by externalizing itself. Saying "Don't cry" is like saying "Keep your pain inside you". On the contrary, we could encourage children to cry: "Go ahead, cry a good cry because, when you cry a good cry, it lasts a few seconds and stops."

The child must find a listening space where he or she can release his or her emotions, but in a structured setting. The adult must help the child to distinguish between his or her emotions, all of which are acceptable and welcome, and his or her behaviours, which are not always acceptable and welcome. "You have the right to be angry, but you have no right to hit your cousin"; "I understand that you are sad. You wanted to stay in the square, but it's time to go.

Camille Jedrzejak