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Every parent knows that when a child experiences an emotion, he experiences it 'with all his heart'. They cry their eyes out over a torn yoghurt lid when it's opened, they hit their little brother for touching their car, they scream with joy because they've found their socks, and they run into your arms shaking with fear at the sight of the neighbour's little dog. This is all normal, and adults have an important role to play in helping children grow up to understand and deal with their emotions.
Brain development in children aged 2 to 6 years
We know today, thanks to neuroscience, that children's brains are much less mature than those of adults, and not yet sufficiently functional for emotional management. This is why children experience real emotional storms, which they do not have the capacity to calm alone. They cannot step back from their emotions and need the adult when they are going through strong emotions.
How to accompany your child's emotions?
When a child or an adult experiences an emotion, it happens in three stages:
The charge: when it rises up inside, and you feel the bodily sensations linked to the emotion (dry throat, rapidly beating heart...).
Tension: the energy of the emotion is used in an action, a word, a behaviour.
The discharge: the moment when we cry, shout, shake, breathe... This is the stage that allows the return to calm.
Knowing these three times allows us to better accompany them. Let's keep in mind that there are no good or bad emotions, but pleasant and unpleasant emotions, which are all part of life. Teaching your child to accept and manage his or her emotions is therefore essential, as they will encounter them throughout their lives.
In concrete terms, how can this be done?
Welcome non-verbally through the eyes.
Your child needs to see in your eyes that you are there with them. Respect children's emotions without getting into a power game, without judging, without commenting: "I can see you're angry," "Oh, you're sad," "You don't feel like it at all."
Listen before you console.
Once you have put your child's emotion into words, let them talk to you about what is happening. Welcome their explanation without interrupting. If he/she does not speak, you can invite him/her to do so: "I see that you are in pain", "You are hesitating. What do you feel?".
Validate the experience.
"You have the right not to want to, it's true, you'd rather keep playing, I can understand that."
Allow the emotion to go to its resolution.
When we are faced with a child's cries or screams, the child is experiencing an emotion. It must be able to come out of the body by being externalized. Saying "Don't cry" is like saying "Keep your pain inside". On the contrary, children could be encouraged to cry: "Go ahead, have a good cry because when you have a good cry, it lasts a few seconds and then it stops."
The child needs to find a space to listen where he/she can release his/her emotions, but within a structured framework. The adult should help the child to distinguish between his or her emotions, which are all acceptable and welcome, and his or her behaviour, which is not always. "You are allowed to be angry, but you are not allowed to hit your cousin"; "I understand that you are sad. You wanted to stay in the square but it's time to go.
Camille Jedrzejak