Joséphine Vigouroux
Every parent knows that when a child experiences an emotion, they experience it "with all their heart." They cry hot tears because of a torn yogurt lid, hit their little brother who touched their car, shout with joy because they found their socks, and run into your arms trembling with fear at the sight of the neighbor's small dog. This is completely normal, and adults have an important role to play in helping children, as they grow, to understand and tame their emotions.
Today, thanks to neuroscience, we know that children's brains are much less mature than adults' and not yet fully functional for managing emotions. This is why children experience intense emotional experiences, which they are unable to calm on their own. They cannot gain perspective on their emotions and need adults when they are going through strong feelings.
When a child or an adult experiences an emotion, it unfolds in three stages:
Understanding these three stages allows us to better support them. Let's keep in mind that there are no good or bad emotions, but pleasant and unpleasant ones, all of which are part of life. Teaching your child to accept and manage their emotions is therefore essential, as they will encounter them throughout their life.
Your child needs to see in your eyes that you are there, with them. Respect children's emotions without engaging in a power struggle, without judging, without commenting: “I see you're angry,” “Oh, you're sad,” “You really don't want to.”
Once you have put words to your child's emotion, let them tell you what's happening. Listen to their explanation without interrupting. If they don't speak, you can invite them to do so: “I see you're hurting,” “You're hesitating. What are you feeling?”
“You have the right not to want to, it's true, you'd prefer to keep playing, I can understand that.”
When faced with a child's tears or shouts, they are experiencing an emotion. It needs to be able to leave the body by being expressed. Saying “Don't cry” is like saying “Keep your pain inside you.” Instead, we could encourage children to cry: “Go ahead, have a good cry, because when you have a good cry, it lasts a few seconds and then it stops.”
Children need a supportive environment where they can freely express their emotions, yet within a structured setting. Adults should help children distinguish between their emotions, all of which are acceptable and valid, and their behaviors, which are not always. For example: 'You have the right to be angry, but you don't have the right to hit your cousin'; or 'I understand you're sad. You wanted to stay at the park, but it's time to leave.'
Camille Jedrzejak
