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Between the ages of 2 and 6, the child's abilities will multiply in all areas, and he or she will gain dramatically in autonomy. Paradoxically, in order to become more and more autonomous, the child needs the adult.
Why encourage children's autonomy?
1. To do things on their own, children need to develop their 'executive functions'.
Executive functions are all the abilities that will enable him to set a goal, stay focused on his goal, choose the right techniques to achieve it, and change them if necessary. These abilities, which he will develop by learning to dress himself, for example, are the same ones he will need to learn to read, to do calculations, or to go to college alone one day... In short, these are the abilities that every human being uses every day, in their learning as well as in their personal projects. And it is especially between the ages of 3 and 5 that they develop.
2. Developing autonomy is a natural need of every child.
This need is particularly visible around the age of 2 or 3, when they want to do everything themselves: put on their shoes, pour a drink for themselves, brush their teeth or get dressed... Indeed, when children do things themselves, they take great pleasure in exercising and developing their executive functions, which are in full development: they remember the different steps and organise them to achieve a goal; they control their actions or inappropriate emotions, and learn to remain flexible, i.e. to review their strategy in the event of a mistake.
3. Having well-developed executive functions allows for lasting friendships and romantic relationships.
Indeed, good executive functions help children to cope with stress, to analyse and express their emotions with serenity, to better understand those of others, and consequently to resolve or avoid relational conflicts. It is also important to know that a child who feels respected and capable will be much more at ease emotionally than a child who is too "nurtured".
How to help your child to be autonomous?
1. Adapting the environment.
You should start by adapting your flat, your house with items that are the right size for your child. The best thing is that he doesnʼt have to ask you for help with simple tasks that he can do on his own. Some ideas: put his toys in bins that he can grab and put away by himself. Always choose clothes and shoes that he can learn to put on and take off by himself. Hang a small coat rack at his height, and choose a dirty clothes basket that he can open.
2. Changing the way you see your child.
For some parents, it is difficult to see their child become more independent because they think "they won't need them anymore". But this is a mistaken belief: your child will always need you, your kind attention, your unconditional love and your supportive presence. It's just that you'll have to show it in a different way than by doing things for them.
3. Give yourself time.
It is also important to remember that each child has his or her own pace, and has different interests. It is also important to remember that the path to independence is not straightforward, and there are sometimes regressions for various reasons such as illness, a new child, separation from parents or other learning.
4. Accompanying towards autonomy.
"Help me to do it alone" does not mean leaving the child to do it alone. The adultʼs aim is to help the child gain confidence so that he/she can manage on his/her own.
In concrete terms, how can this be done?
In order for a child to become independent in a task or activity, there are three stages:
1. Show the child how to do it.
Children often need very clear and broken down explanations and demonstrations. For example, to teach him to put on his shoes by himself, break down the activity: "First, you open the Velcro fasteners and slide the straps to loosen them. Then you have to pull on the tongue and hold it with one hand while you slide your foot in."
2. Doing it with the child.
Even with explanation and demonstration, your child will not be able to put on his or her shoes alone in one day. Stay with him, helping him only with the steps he cannot yet do on his own. They may have difficulty putting their ankle into the shoe, but may be able to close the Velcro fasteners. This is an important step!
3. Let the child do it.
This can be the hardest part, because before your child is an expert, it will take more than five minutes to put on the shoes. Get a head start and be patient, only by practising will he/she get better.
Camille Jedrzejak