Joséphine Vigouroux
Between the ages of 2 and 6, a child's abilities will grow significantly in all areas, and they will gain independence dramatically. Paradoxically, to become increasingly autonomous, a child needs adult guidance.
Executive functions are all the abilities that allow a child to set a goal, stay focused on it, choose the right techniques to achieve it, and change them as needed. These abilities, which they will develop by learning to dress themselves, for example, are the same ones they will need to learn to read, do calculations, or go to middle school alone one day... In short, these are the abilities that every human being uses daily, both in learning and in personal projects. And it is primarily between the ages of 3 and 5 that they develop.
This need is particularly visible around 2 or 3 years old, when they want to do everything by themselves: put on their shoes, pour a drink, brush their teeth, or get dressed... Indeed, when a child does things independently, they take great pleasure in exercising and developing their burgeoning executive functions: they remember the different steps and organize them to achieve a goal; they control their actions or inappropriate emotions, and learn to remain flexible, meaning they can revise their strategy in case of error.
Indeed, good executive functions help children cope with stress, analyze and express their emotions calmly, better understand those of others, and consequently, resolve or avoid relational conflicts. It is also important to know that a child who feels respected and capable will be much more emotionally comfortable than a child who is overly "coddled."
You should start by adapting your apartment or house with objects sized for your child. The ideal is that they don't have to ask you for help with simple tasks they are capable of doing alone. Some ideas: store their toys in bins they can reach and put away themselves. Always choose clothes and shoes they can learn to put on and take off by themselves. Hang a small coat rack at their height, and choose a laundry basket they can open.
For some parents, it is difficult to see their child gain independence because they believe "their child will no longer need them." But this is a mistaken belief: your child will always need you, your benevolent attention, your unconditional love, and your supportive presence. You will simply need to show it in ways other than doing things for them, or in their place.
It is also important to remember that each child has their own pace and different interests. You should also know that the path to independence is not always straightforward, and there are sometimes regressions for various reasons such as illness, a new sibling, parental separation, or another learning process.
"Help me do it myself" doesn't mean letting the child do it alone. The adult's goal is to help the child gain self-confidence so they can manage on their own.
For a child to become autonomous in a task or activity, there are three steps:
Children often need very clear and broken-down explanations and demonstrations. For example, to teach them how to put on their shoes by themselves, break down the activity: "First, you open the Velcro straps and slide the straps to loosen them. Then you need to pull the tongue and hold it with one hand while you slide your foot in."
Even with explanations and demonstrations, your child won't be able to put on their shoes by themselves in one day. Stay with them, helping only with the steps they can't yet do alone. They might struggle to slide their ankle into the shoe but be perfectly capable of closing the Velcro straps. This is an important step!
This is sometimes the most difficult part, because before becoming an expert, your child will take more than 5 minutes to put on their shoes. Plan ahead and be patient; it's only through practice that they will improve.
Camille Jedrzejak
